Good day everybody. It's been a while since I last "spoke"to you. Today I went to the dr again to see if anything changed with my kidney functions.
Guess what it changed and changed a lot. According to the doctor I must start with my preparations for dialysis. And that is not good news to me. In the back of my head I had the hope that everything will change, that my functions will stay the same if not go better. I know it could not happen it is just .......... a hope.

I am in a daze, I cry for nothing, I just space out and hear nothing around me, and we are a lot of people staying in the house, there is no space to space out but guess what I do that.

My brother is a darling, he phoned me this morning to wish me good luck, I love him to bits. My sister I also love she has always been there for me during all my "medical problems". The last few weeks it is as if she distance herself from me. Like today I told her I must go to the kidney unit to be prepared for dialysis and the only reaction I got was "o". I don't know if she is distancing herself from my because of my mother and what she went through and that she is scared to be to connected. I hope not because I need her to be there to be connected to me. I love her and would love her to be part of what I am going through, all the emotions.

I must go to work tomorrow, it is only Thursday tomorrow, but I am to drained to go there. My job is of such a nature that I can not be emotional in front of my subordinates I am supposed to be the stron one, so I will only go on Friday.

Barry want me to visit them this weekend till next week Tuesday or Wednesday, I look so much forward to that. Gerna and her family are on there way for a seaside holiday in Kwazulu Natal. The kids look so much forward to that, I hope they enjoy it

My friends and work collegues are so good and supportive to me, it only make me cry when I receive an text message wishing me well.

My mother, Thelma

Last night I heard that there were a misunderstanding on the farm buying by my sister and her husband. I don't know if I must feel guilty for being relieved, but I am.

Today I want to tell you about my mother. She was born in 22 Nov 1935 in then Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), my grandmother died when my mother was still young, the doctors then said she died of kidney stress (my mother later suspect that it was PKD). My mother had 2 brothers, who stayed Zimbabwe (both with PDK) and a sister, also staying in Zimbabwe (also with PKD, she also had the cysts on her liver) another sister, from Mosselbay, who does not have PKD, and then my mother (with PKD). All of them died a few years ago accept my aunt in Mosselbay.

My mother went onto dialysis, 26 years ago, at the then HF Verwoerd Hosp (now Pretoria Academic Hosp)as a military patient. They are one big family there. She had her transplant 24 years ago while my sister were in her last school year and during her matric farewell. The one photo show me and my sister with my mother in hospital on the night of my sisters farewell.

She also had Osteoporosis and could not walk properly the last few years. She had a form of skin cancer that, every now and then, had to be removed surgically. She were terrified of anaesthesia so she will always go with only local. After her transplant she had to go for follow-ups every three months at Pretoria Academic Hospital with Prof Carosite and his team. She had a fistula in her right arm (her grandchildren said it was her engine because of the vibration). We were at the hosp at 6 in the mornings, of her visit, just to be seen early so that I could go back to work. It was a mission with the wheelchair and everything going there, but I did not mind. It was only every three months. She was so nerves every night before her visit, thinking of all the things that could happen during her follow-up. After the visit we will have breakfast (round about 8:30) in the restaurant then I take her back home. This is a routine that I miss every now and then with her, just the being together.

She was a big introvert. Because of the big liver, her stomach was very big and swollen and she felt very shy about that. I had to beg her every now and then just to go with me somewhere just to get her out of the house. She did not want to be and inconvenience to anybody so she rather stay at home (she said I must struggle with the wheelchair when we go). She sometimes went with me to visit our friends Petro and Gerrie. She and my sister stayed with them during her dialysis period and my sister went to school. My father and brother still stayed in the then South West Africa (Namibia)for my brother to finish his school. They came to SA after his last exam.

My mother died 22 October 2005 a month before her 70th birthday, she suffered a lot and I know that she is much happier were she is at the moment with no pain and no problems. Her kidney she called "Soekie" and Soekie had her 22nd birthday in Sept 2005.

My mother also had the cysts on her liver. Her liver was so big and made her very uncomfortable but the function was very good.

My world gave way today. Last night my good friends Petro and her family said they are moving to the Western Cape (Piketberg) to work there. I am very happy for them because they had a big struggle and it seem that their luck are changing. I am going to miss them.
Then I phoned my sister Gerna today and she said to me that they think of buying a farm in the Northern Cape, it is not finalized, but it is a big possibility. I am also happy for them they have been looking for a farm for a very long time.
My brother Barry are immigrating to Mozambique in December 2008, this is something that has been coming for nearly a year. I am happy for them they love Mozambique and want to stay there.
I am very happy for all of them, they deserve all the goodness that come their way. It's Blessings from God.
Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself at this moment. I will not have any family or close friends here to support me when I start with my dialysis. I am sure I will make it, I know I will make it, I have God on my side and He will carry me through this. But I will not have somebody to give me a hug when I am down and when it is getting to much for me.
I have a lot of offers to go with them and stay with them, move with them to where ever they are going, but I can not move now, I was just placed in a promotional post and was just promoted in August so I will not be transferred now. All the main military medical facilities are here in Pretoria, I can not travel here every now and then for my medical appointments.
I am depressed, give me a day or two to work through this. I AM A SURVIVOR I WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

I started working again on Monday, it was hard to be back after 3 week holiday and because of the change that happened in my life.
I struggled a lot the first three days, my feet were swelling and it was so painful. We had a workshop and I sat a lot. At night I had to lie down and elevate my feet to relieve the pain and swelling. Today is better.
I went for a blood sample today to see if my values are still ok after I started taking my Lasix, the results will be in this afternoon. Keep your fingers cross. My sister, Gerna, draw my blood at the sickbay, she is good!!!!. I asked her if she think I must put the fistula in my left of right arm (I am right handed) she said to me "No negative thinking, it will not be necessary for a fistula, your blood results will be good". I felt like crying, this is the first time that she showed any interest in what is happening to me. I am happy.
The other big thing for me is the fact that I can only drink two liter fluids per day. Thank you for crushed ice, I call it my miracle crystals, that helped a lot.
Emotionally I am better, I think that I will be able to go through this with the Help of our Heavenly Father, with Him nothing is impossible.

First of all thank you to "da grandma" for visiting my blog, I will take your advise and just go one day at a time. It will not be easy because there are a lot of issues that can happen in the future, like my work, and I need to know what I am going to do. But I will try my hardest to take it slow. I hope that you are ok, will keep in touch.
Also thanks to my friend Bev, you don't know what it mean to me to know that I still have a friend out there that cares, Thank you pal.

Today was good, maybe I am already taking it one day at a time.

Luv u all.

Remember the fistula and needles I talked about, this is what is looks like, it more scary than it is. My mother had a fistula and it make a buzz sound, we use to joke with her with her "machine".

Today was a cold and windy day, it looked like rain. I stayed in bed till late in the morning while watching Olympic Games. I enjoyed that.

My new medication does not seem to work too well. I keep on having this pulsating headaches, I hope it is only the transformation period, it is only 3 days since I started taking them.

My mood is better today I feel that I can face stuff. The 2 liter fluids a day is hard, I keep on feeling I need more. I drink about 2 liters water at night, so it is difficult but manageable.

Holiday is nice, I know there is a lot to do at work but I will get to it next week at the moment I want to focus on what I must do, and work is one of them.

To all the good wishes I received thank you very much. Thank you also for the lot of prayers that comes my way.

I had a wonderful day today. I am in my last week of a three week holiday. Today was a bit cold and windy but I felt good. I just didn't go there today. As soon as I started thinking about "it"I did something else, and it worked.

This evening I had a nice workout for the first time in four days and it felt good. I don't feel the "dead" feeling so much anymore. It is gooooooood.

I had some pain over my liver area (o ya I forgot to tell, the same stuff I have on my kidneys I also have on my liver, but my liver function is very good, my liver is just bigger as a normal one)

Today is a short day, it was Sunday and we just chilled.