After I went to the dr on 13 Aug 08 (Wednesday) a lot of feelings and emotions went through my mind.

I stay with very good friends of mine, Petro and Gerrie Munnik. We've been friends for the past 28 years. Petro and my mother use to work together in Grootfontein, Namibia. When my parents move to South Africa in 1985 my mother stayed with Petro and Gerrie because my father was still in Namibia doing border duty. During this period they helped my mother when she started with her dialysis and all her stages she went through.

My father died in Jan 1992 and my mother died in October 2005. I am now staying with them. We are a big family staying together, it is Petro and Gerrie, with Maretha (30,their oldest daughter), her husband Frikkie and two boys, Christo (5) and Ruben (3) also here is Tania (29, youngest daughter) and Gerhard (21, there son and my godson)

The last two days were very hard for me, I have this "dead" feeling inside me, a lot of questions I want to have answered. But it is questions that only I can answer. Questions that I must answer on my life what am I now going to do, how is this going to impact on my work (I just started a new post and promotion and love it) must I go off on medical (my mother did when she got her transplant) what will I then do.

The thing that bother me the least is dying, my relationship with my Heavenly Father is very good and I am not scared to go to Him, what worry me is going through everything to get to that stage. I know that He will guide me and carry me but I am only human and I am scared.

When my father died in 1992 I started looking after my mother. My sister got married just after my fathers death and moved to Nelspruit, my brother was already married and were on there way to Nelspruit. So the only one left in Pretoria was me and I was not married, so I moved in with her and looked after her. She later-on could not walk and need to go by wheelchair everywhere (I had to buy a car where a wheelchair could fit in)

So I went through all this with my mother, her visits to the dr and her pains she had, the problems she had, and it scare me. Am I strong enough for this, everybody say that I am, but at this stage do I want to be strong, why must I be strong can I not be scared.

My biggest issue is going to bed at night alone and be with my thoughts and scare alone. (now it bother me to be a freemale)

My sister is a nursing sister, and a very good one, when I told her about the results, we had come soda(o ja that is another thing, I am only allowed 2 liter fluids per day, I usually drink that much during the night so another change I must do). My brother were in Pretoria on Wednesday 13 Aug 08 (from Nelspruit) to pick up stock. When I came from the dr he phoned and he asked were I am and I said from the dr. He asked me what did the dr say and I told him, he said "O, that is a pity but you are strong and will get through it", can he phone me back. Well it is two days later and still nothing from him.

I understand they have their own families to worry about and don't need my worries also to cope with so ja, I will work through this one. Luckily for me I have wonderful friends in the Munniks and they were here for me the past two days.

Tonight I'm going to have lunch with my sister and her family, I must just try to get past this dead empty feeling in me. I just want to be on my own to think a bit and for once feel sorry for myself, am I allowed this? to feel sorry for myself. I looked after my mother for nearly 17 years and I think I am entitled to it for a while.